Once again, it’s time for New Year’s resolutions. You’re going to lose ten pounds, stop calling the guy you like and hanging up before he can answer, find a best friend who isn’t your cat, and get a job. Sadly, we can’t help with the first three, but we’d like to offer our advice for that last resolution. Here are some small resolutions you can make to bring you closer to that final goal.
1. I will create a résumé that’s free from profanity, obscenity, and dinosaurs bearing lasers.
Although these are VERY entertaining, you’re going to want something that will impress your future employer, not scare them away.
Also, if you work in a kitchen, the word you’re looking for to describe your job is “cook.” A “cock” is something else, indeed. That’s a big one to keep in mind.
When applying for a job, you should always look professional, no matter what you were doing just before the interview. Don’t wear anything you wouldn’t wear in front of your grandmother. That means don’t wear a painted on bodysuit (I read about this happening). WEAR pants. Don’t wear sweatpants (especially with holes in them). For more guidance, refer to the slides “The Suit” and “This is Not a Party” in Lifehacker’s “Get Hired” post.
3. At job interviews, I will project my best possible self (and no, that does not involve hiring a “stunt double”).
Try to hide your little “quirks” until the interview is over. Then, once you’ve gotten the job, you can slowly introduce them to your coworkers. I’m sure they won’t mind the cockatoo once they’ve gotten to know you a little better.
Don’t send a surrogate to interview in your place. I’m pretty sure your employer is going to notice if you’re not the same person as the one he interviewed. Tell your sister, “Thanks, but I can do this one on my own.”
4. I will prepare to handle any sort of response (yes, even rejection) with dignity and grace.
If, after you apply, you get a rejection letter, take a note from this guy on how to respond. Although this letter was not in response to a rejection letter from a job he applied to, you can still use it as an example of the perfect way to respond to any rejection letter you receive. He simply refuses to take no for an answer, but in the most charming way imaginable.
We hope that you have taken our advice into consideration. A new year has begun and we want your job search to start fresh as well. We have provided quite a few anecdotes that will hopefully steer you towards the right path when it comes to applying and getting a job. But, if you still need some more advice, we’ll keep it simple: Never do any of these things.